Somewhere Only I Know

"I walked across an empty land / I knew the pathway like the back of my hand"

It's been a month since my last post, but much to my pleasant surprise, the floodgates are still wide open. My mind is loud with thoughts, ideas and curiosity again. It feels like I've finally found my way back to a version of myself I once cherished; somewhere only I've known.

Cue "Somewhere Only We Know," except this time, I'm both people in the song. The longing and the belonging, collapsed into one. A reunion with the self after a long trek through an empty land.

"Let it go, let it roll right off your shoulder / Don't you know the hardest part is over?"

To the people I trust: you know exactly how great life is right now. I'm vibrating with excitement for this next phase of my adventure. I find myself giving thanks for the broken road that led me here. After the immense betrayal I've had to survive, multiple times, in fact, I couldn't have written a better life than the one that wrote itself while I wasn't looking.

Our lives are truly made in these small moments that build the bridge to where you are. You don't even realize what's being constructed until you're all the way across.

"There's a place in your heart / And I know that it is love"

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about Michael Jackson. I am in absolute awe of the person he was; someone who remained fundamentally gentle and kind in a world that is seriously lacking both. He's become a blueprint of humanity for me, teaching me how to treat others and myself.

The strength of remaining soft even when you've been given every reason to be hard is the work. And it doesn't come for free.

"I'm starting with the man in the mirror / I'm asking him to change his ways"

If you really listen and sit with the lyrics to "Man in the Mirror", you realize it's the only way through.

It's made me think about projection. I've spent years being labeled by others, only to realize they weren't describing me. They were confessing. Mother, you said the devil whispers to me, but maybe you were just hearing your own echo and needed somewhere to put it. Reclaiming my identity means understanding that being gentle isn't a weakness. It's a choice I make once I've stepped out of other people's shadows.

I'm also learning to trust the voice in my head. It's not quite intuition, but it's more like the quest markers in a video game, the subtle highlights that show you which door to open next. It's the strange way God refuses to give up on me, even when I've given up on Him.

It's a paradox that everything feels meticulously planned, yet I've never felt more in control of my own free will. Que sera, sera.

I couldn't have imagined a better moment than the one I have built for myself right now. I haven't lost my capacity to be human and I finally learned the boundaries to protect it.

"Our lives are made in these small hours / These little wonders / These twists and turns of fate"

So, thanks to my parents for being psychotic. Thanks for pushing me so far into the wilderness that I had no choice but to find a level of fulfillment I didn't know existed. You pushed me away from the normal life I thought I wanted, and straight into the extraordinary one I actually needed.