Day 15 - 100 Day Writing Challenge

      

15 of 100: Last free write!

I almost just typed: It's Saturday. But no, it's Wednesday. It's 10:01am, and I have finished my last cup of coffee for the day. I have made eggs, toast, and sliced apples for my youngest munchkin, and the dishes from the night before are washed and drying in the rack, the ones left by the three nighttime dwellers I’m sharing a home with. They’ve been gracious, never asking the question I keep asking myself: When will you get a job? 

I feel selfish for waiting on one very specific offer instead of scattering my energy in search of “something, anything.” Alan Watts’ voice drifts into my mind, his pipe smoke curling as he narrows his eyes at me: Have you listened to nothing I’ve said? He’d remind me not to force my life into one narrow channel. He’d remind me that pushing too hard leads only to disappointment.

I know. 

And yet, I want this particular job. Settling for less would feel like deciding I deserve less. So I’m waiting, and I’m learning to do it with gratitude.

In quiet moments, I remind myself: haven’t I often wished for less to do? Haven’t I prayed for space to simply be with my children, to move more slowly, to notice life’s smaller rhythms? Now I have that, and though a voice inside me sometimes whispers, you aren’t doing enoughhhhhh, I’m starting to gently push that voice to the side. There will be plenty of time for busyness. For now, I get to be here.

One thing I have been doing is writing daily. Early mornings, words come to me, and the habit has become a delightful joy that I don’t want to give up. I think if I added a half-hour run before sitting down to write, I’d get even more out of it. Running strips away distractions, leaves me alone with my thoughts. Ideas float up, clear and insistent. Months ago, I used to run without writing, and I’d think, Dang, I wish I were writing so I could flesh this one out. Why didn’t I just start then? I don’t know.

But I’m starting now.